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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25613869">i won’t tell you i’m lonely (cause that may be selfish)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/becauseIknewyou/pseuds/becauseIknewyou'>becauseIknewyou</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Era, Davey has a lot of problems and so does Jack, David Jacobs is Jewish, Internalized Homophobia, Javey - Freeform, M/M, also flashbacks in the middle of the narrative so if you don’t like that style of writing don’t read, also specs/elmer if you squint because I thought spelmer was specs and elmer but it’s not, and elmer has a panic attack, heavy emphasis on what these kids have to deal with in canon era, javid - Freeform, like maybe 2 cuss words, not edited lmao but what else is new, seriously though this is a lot about Davey and Jack arguing, the rooftop scene but Javid and a lot more yelling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:02:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,479</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25613869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/becauseIknewyou/pseuds/becauseIknewyou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack has just betrayed the strike, and Davey is determined to get to the bottom of why. </p><p>Basically the rooftop scene with Davey instead of Katherine… but it doesn’t go as smoothly as hoped</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>David Jacobs/Jack Kelly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i won’t tell you i’m lonely (cause that may be selfish)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Nothing too triggering, just read the tags<br/>there are some allusions to the mindset of canon era including anti-semitism, homophobia, etc. but they’re not a huge part of the story<br/>there is a slightly graphic description of the drawing Jack does of the Refuge<br/>Elmer also has a panic attack in a panic attack because he remembers his mother giving him up<br/>Blocks of text in italics are the flashbacks</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Davey remained hidden, far from the edge, as he heard Jack climb up the fire escape up to the roof. His breath caught in his throat when he saw the newsies cap climbing the ladder up until all of Jack’s face could be seen. Davey looked as his expression changed when he first noticed Davey. </p><p>It went from tired and conflicted to angry when he saw that Davey was up here in his personal space. It was wrong for Davey to be up here without Jack’s knowledge, but he needed to find him; and Specs had told him that he always went to the top of Lodging House whenever he needed to be alone to think. If Jack got mad at him then so be it. He needed answers for his own sake. “What are you doing up here?” Jack grumbled as he pulled himself up completely. He shoved past Davey, beginning to gather his few personal belongings. Davey watched attentively as he grabbed what looked like a rolled up piece of paper from a pipe, shoving it haphazardly under his arm, certainly crinkling it. </p><p>“Specs told me where to find you,” he said simply, refusing to beg Jack so quickly. Obviously, Jack had his reasons for abandoning the strike so quickly. </p><p>Jack practically scoffed, gathering the clothes off the floor, leaving another pile of clothes that was across from him alone and untouched. If Davey had to guess, he assumed that it was where Jack and probably Crutchie often slept. “Yeah, well I ain’t gonna be here much longer.” </p><p>
  <i> “See ya there?” Jack had asked both Davey and Les. Davey was grateful that Les had started up the conversation of asking what Jack was using his spare money on. It was definitely nosy and probably impolite of his little brother to ask such a thing, but Davey was too busy trying to catch his breath from running. He was still a bit fuzzy as to who this Snyder was and the game of cat and mouse him and Jack seemed to be playing.<br/>
But Jack didn’t seem bothered by Les’ question. He only smiled and took out a piece of thick paper from his pocket. It was yellowing and the edges were soft. Davey watched as Jack flipped it over to show a postcard from the city ‘Santa Fe.’ It had a beautifully drawn picture of the desert Davey had only seen in books. The colors were bright oranges and pinks of the rocks with a cowboy and his horse in the foreground. “Once I get enough money, my ass will be off of the streets and on a train to the glorious city of Santa Fe,” he explained cockily. Davey wanted to scold him for using the foul language in front of his kid brother, but he figured if him and Les had to continue selling, he’d be hearing much worse.<br/>
“But what about everything you got here?” Les asked innocently. Jack became more stand-offish at the question but not necessarily angry.<br/>
“I don’t got nothing here,” he scoffed, making Les frown. Davey put a hand on his shoulder as a silent gesture to keep Les from questioning anymore. “No family, no stable work, no girl, nothin. But when I get to Santa Fe, things’ll be different.”<br/>
“What about the other newsies?” Davey asked against his better judgement. Jack made it sound like he didn’t have anything of importance in New York in his list, but he didn’t mention having no friends. “Some of them look up to you, Jack, and I haven’t known you or them for even 24 hours.”<br/>
Jack didn’t respond while he refused to make eye contact with Davey. Both of them knew that the taller was right, but Davey could guess that Jack was trying to keep himself from accepting it. The less baggage he had to deal with, the easier it would be to just get on that train. </i>
</p><p>The words stung. His best friend was so desperate to leave and throw away everything he had here all for some fantasy. Yes, it was a fantasy that Jack had been chasing for who knows how long, but even Davey could see that the thought of Santa Fe clouded his mind from seeing that what he was really chasing, a sense of belonging, was right under his nose with the newsies. And they had met only a month ago! </p><p>“So what, you’re going to throw it all away? All for a stupid place which may or may not live up to your expectations?” Davey bit back, letting his emotions take some control. He was too frustrated and conflicted and mad to remain reasonable. Jack was being stupid and selfish, and Davey was not going to let him ruin what both them and the rest of newsies and Katherine had been working towards for a month. </p><p>Jack froze like a statue at Davey’s harsh words. Davey let himself believe that maybe he had came through to Jack, that things would turn up much easier than he had originally planned. He was a bit too optimistic, though. </p><p>“Well what about you, huh? What about you, Davey? You didn’t even want to be a part of this strike. You made all those kids believe that they could go up against one of the most powerful men in New York and now they’re all beaten and bruised. You gave them hope that what they said really mattered. And guess what? It doesn’t,” he spat with so much hate in his voice that it made him tremble. Jack straightened out the paper he had crinkled up to show Davey. It was a beautiful drawing of a horrid place. Dark charcoal was used, Davey could tell easily, to draw the malnourished figures of kids who were sleeping, crying, or throwing up on the floor. Davey knee Jack was a good enough artist to depict light if there was any, but there obviously was not. </p><p>“You have no clue what will happen to those kids if we continue this, but I do. And I know better. The guys at the top will never stop chewing us up and spitting us out because we’re nothing better than the dirt on their shoes. You might have helped them find their voices, but for what? For nothing.” </p><p>Davey’s hands were in fists at his side. He was furious at Jack whose words pierced him deeper than skin. He could punch him, and he had half the mind too, because how dare he insinuate he led those kids into a helpless battle. Jack made it seem like he had his own sadistic reasoning for helping start the strike. Like he did it just to watch the other newsies suffer. </p><p>
  <i>“You got folks?” one of the youngest newsies, Boots Davey believed, asked. He should’ve been more careful after seeing Jack’s response to the fact about the Jacobs’ brothers. When Jack had invited them back to the lodging house for the first time on only their second day of selling, Davey was apprehensive because Esther was expecting them back for dinner. It probably would’ve been better off for him not to say anything, especially in front of most of the newsies.<br/>
What caught Davey was that, Jack, who had said the exact same thing the night before, Boots didn’t try to hide the somber, wistfulness in his tone. He frowned deeply with furrowed eyebrows as if a family was a foreign concept to him. Davey couldn’t help but gulp, wondering if it was.<br/>
“Of course they do,” one of the newsies spoke up defensively. Henry. “They’re just some middle class kids looking to make some extra pocket change. Stealing our buyers for no reason,” he assumed which made Davey see red.<br/>
He was close to blowing up at him. Tell him that if he didn’t have to miss school to sell papers, he wouldn’t be. He wouldn’t be spending his day in the New York summer sun if his family wasn't on the line. In retrospect, it was a good thing Jack stepped in before he could dig himself into that hole.<br/>
“Hey hey, now. Davey doesn’t want to be a newsie as much as any of us do.”<br/>
“I’d like to hear that from him,” Henry scoffed, glaring at Davey who was partially shielded from his intense eyes by Jack. Before he could speak, Jack, once again, interjected.<br/>
“He doesn’t,” Jack told him definitively. “Now. Davey and Les are both newsies, and is newsies fight for each other and watch each other’s backs. Now and forever, right?” </i>
</p><p> “You- you’re insufferable right now!” Davey practically screamed feeling his face go red. “Do you really think that I only helped you begin this strike to see those kids get beaten half to death? No! There was always that possibility, but how dare you think that it was a goal of mine. And I was only helping you! You were always the leader, Jack, and now you’re backing out on them. Right now all of them are so unsure and hopeless because you can’t get your head out of you ass!” Tears were forming at the rim of his eyes, and Davey tried to keep them from falling. He didn’t want to cry in front of Jack. He didn’t want to seem helpless or desperate for Jack to return because he didn’t want to seem weak.<br/>
Instead he hid, like he always did. He buried his face and his hands as he wiped the tears from his eyes with the butt of his palm. Jack did nothing to console him. </p><p>All his life he felt he wasn’t enough. He wasn’t rich enough or Christian enough for his classmates. He wasn’t brave enough to be a good role model for Les. He wasn’t social or outspoken enough to keep up with his sister who knew everyone in the neighborhood’s name. He wasn’t useful to his family who was already pennies away from not having enough money to feed the family. Unlike his father, mother, and sister, he hadn’t been able to bring in any income because of his schoolwork he slaved away day and night on. Instead, he was draining the money because he needed money for his school uniform and for pencils.</p><p>But all of that changed when he became a newsie. He didn’t need to worry about his classmates because he no longer had to see them everyday. The other newsies couldn’t care less about his family’s social standing, much less his faith. He suddenly found the courage inside that had been stowed away because he was now a leader to a bunch of children fighting in a revolution. He had made so many friends over his time as a newsie, and he had learned so much about how to survive the New York streets from them. But most of all, he felt grateful that he could help his family. He no longer felt like a burden because he felt that he was now helping to put food on the table instead of only taking it. </p><p>In a way, it was all thanks to Jack who took a look at his clean cut clothes and tie and decided that this kid needed help. Now, he was using everything he learned to go against his once closest confidant. And it twisted Davey’s heart in a million different ways. </p><p>“Yeah, well they’ll need to learn to grow up sometime or another,” Davey heard Jack mumbled with a deep scowl. </p><p>“What did you say?” Davey said, believing his ears had deceived him.</p><p>“I know better than anyone how cruel this world can be. And I had to learn it a lot littler than any of those kids,” he responded bitterly. In many cases, it probably wouldn’t be the case. Some of these kids were born on the streets while Davey was born in a loving family. But in so many more ways than one, Davey was alone in a sense the newsies would never understand. </p><p>
  <i> “That’s why I wanna go west,” Jack casually explained. Davey couldn’t see him very well up in the rafters of the theatre, but he could easily envision the lazy smile on Jack’s face. The same one he got every time he brought up Santa Fe. Les was currently preoccupied learning how work some of the basic stage lights from one of the managers in the back of the theatre. The lights under Davey and Jack kept flickering on and off due to the kid who was giggling up a storm.<br/>
It wasn’t like Davey hadn’t heard a million different reasons why Jack wanted to go to Santa Fe from only knowing the teen for a couple of weeks. Seriously, he talked about the dream more than Davey talked about any reptile. And that was saying something.<br/>
“What’re your plans once you get there?” Davey asked, kicking his legs back and forth in sync with Jack.<br/>
He shrugged before he responded. “Dunno. Not really a plan type of guy, but I could guess you knew that. Even the strike was technically your idea. I just knew I wasn’t going to take their shit anymore,” he responded quietly, staring off into the empty audience.<br/>
“Well, what are you looking for, then?”<br/>
“What do you mean?”<br/>
“I mean, what are you hoping for in Santa Fe that you don’t have here?” he rephrased.<br/>
Jack paused to think, only to shrug again. “Acceptance. Success. Safety. Maybe one day, a family,” he answered after a bit. Davey nodded, satisfied with the answer. To him, it sounded like Jack already had some of those things easily checked off, but he didn’t say anything. He let Jack have his fantasy. </i>
</p><p>“You say that, but look at you! You’re chasing after something that doesn’t exist, Jack. What do you think will happen to you once you get to Santa Fe? Huh? Maybe you’ll find work, but you’ll never be happy. You’ll never be satisfied because you’ll never be able to see what’s right in front of you,” Davey told him. Jack didn’t say anything for a weighted moment. No yelling, no steely gazes, no disgruntled noises. He was silent and emotionless, so Davey took that as his cue to explain further. “How can you not see that your family is down there? Those kids look up to you for more than advice on how to seek the most papes. They look to you for protection and hope and love. If- if you leave, then they have nothing left.” </p><p>“You’re wrong,” Jack said, sounding the calmest either of them had been during the whole conversation. Davey looked at him to see he believed he was completely right. Maybe partially, he was. Of course, they would still have family with each other, but everyone knew it wouldn’t be the same without Jack. He was Jack Kelly, the leader of the fearless Manhattan newsies. Most of all, he was a parental figure to some of those kids who didn’t have anyone else. Without him, what would happen to them? Race would probably take over as head of the Manhattan newsies, but God help those kids if he had to become their only parental figure. Though, maybe he could deal if those responsibilities fell to Crutchie. “They have you.”</p><p>
  <i> Everything stopped when an ear piercing scream rang from upstairs in sync with the boom of thunder from the storm outside. Davey looked around, completely unaware of what was going on. No one was panicking which both relieved and scared Davey. Instead, a few uneasy glances were shared between some of the older newsies before Jack, Specs, and Crutchie all stood up from where everyone was lounging around near the entrance to the building. Davey followed en-suite as they rushed upstairs. “What’s going on?” he asked worriedly.<br/>
“It’s Elmer. Years ago, around this time of year, something… happened to him. Early fall is a rough time for him. He can’t really sleep well at night, and when he sleeps in the evening, there are a lot of nightmares,” Crutchie explained without revealing too much to push the boundaries of Elmer’s privacy.<br/>
Davey had never seen the lodging level of the building before. He probably should’ve expected it, but there were a lot more bunk beds than he thought there would have been. Most of them were empty. Some had a few lounging or napping newsies, resting after a hard day of selling, but the group of boys immediately went to comfort a teary Elmer who was sitting up, visibly shaking. He was awake, but he didn’t look at them as they all walked over.<br/>
Specs immediately knelt in front of him, forcing himself into Elmer’s field of vision. “Hey, Elm,” he said quietly. Gently. Elmer didn’t seem to visibly respond, but his backs were to the rest of the boys. “Dave’s here,” he told him. “He wanted to make sure that you’re doing okay.” The way he said it made it seem like Davey being there could be the one thing to cheer him up, but everyone knew it was just to warn Elmer. If he wanted to talk about what his dream was about, he’d probably have to give some context to Davey who was still a bit of an outsider within the group.<br/>
Elmer nodded in understanding. “Can I touch you?” Specs asked. It was obvious that Specs either had experience helping Elmer through his night terrors or had experience helping other kids in general through their nightmares.<br/>
Wordlessly, he reached out his palms, and Specs gently grasped them. He rubbed his thumbs over the top of Elmer’s hands, reassuring him that he was somewhere safe and that he was surrounded by people he loved. Elmer cried. Loud sobs that instinctively made Davey flinch. Tears dropped down his face and onto his and Specs’ arms and hands. Specs only said his reassurances and affirmations a little louder. He also moved his comforting movements by rubbing Elmer’s lower forearms in a repetitive motion.<br/>
He couldn’t help but notice how intimate the correspondence between the two was. Davey almost felt wrong observing the way Specs cared for Elmer so peacefully and so kindly. But Elmer wasn’t calming down. When Specs tried to inch his movements past his elbow, Elmer flinched and backed away, beginning to curl in on himself. Specs seemed panicked, lost as to what to do after Elmer’s regression.<br/>
Davey gulped and took the chance to sit on Elmer’s mattress. He sat so he was facing him, but plenty far enough away that they weren’t close to touching.<br/>
“In Dublin’s fair city,” he began to sing, barely heard over Elmer’s continuous crying. “Where the girls are so pretty. I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone. As she wheeled her wheelbarrow. Through the streets broad and narrow. Crying "cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh." Elmer, who had heard and listened to him, began to quiet his crying until he stopped. He gazed at Davey with wide, teary eyes, and he scooted closer.<br/>
“Alive, alive, oh. Alive, alive, oh. Crying "cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh,” he sang, the barest of whispers from Elmer who joined too. “She was a fishmonger. And sure, t'was no wonder…” Davey paused. He couldn’t think of the next verse because it had been a long while since he had heard the folksong.<br/>
“For so were her mother and father before,” Elmer supplied which made both them smile.<br/>
Together, they continued to sing the verse, “And they wheeled their barrow. Through the streets broad and narrow. Crying "cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh,”<br/>
Davey knew it was lucky he knew the song and had thought for some reason Elmer might like it, let alone recognize it. None of his family was even Irish! He was just happy that Elmer seemed considerably more content than he had before. Instead of tense and fearful, he seemed much more relaxed and even had the tiniest hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. It reminded Davey of the goofy bright kid he had gotten to know the past few weeks.<br/>
“Thank you, Davey,” he said, surprisingly pulling Davey into a tight hug. He didn’t say anything in response. Maybe it was the shock or the ignorance as to what to say in reply, but he let himself hugging Elmer back speak for itself. </i>
</p><p>Oh. That was a bit of a curveball. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he laughed, not believing Jack’s lie at all. There was no way he could ever be a sufficient substitute to whatever Jack was to all of those newsies. He was reliable, someone who would always be able to be there for them. At night when they had a nightmare, he was always there to calm him down. In the morning when they needed some last minute advice before the selling day, he always knew the best selling spots. Davey physically couldn’t do that because he had an actual family. Emotionally, he wouldn’t be able to either. There would always be something he would have to put before the well being of the other newsies. He couldn’t be so selfless and dedicated. Not like Jack.</p><p>And now, he was beginning to realize that maybe it was unfair to ask that of Jack for so long. He couldn’t look at Davey now, knowing that he was beginning to realize. </p><p>“I- I just need one thing. One thing that is completely mine, that no one can take away from me. For as long as I can remember,” he choked on his words, tears coming to his eyes. “that was Santa Fe. When Crutchie got taken, I realized that I sorta thought he was that thing too. I’ve protected him for so long, and we made dreams to go to Santa Fe together. When I couldn’t protect him no longer, I wanted to run away.” </p><p>“Back to the one thing you relied on.” Davey watched as Jack slowly began to break down until he was a pile of crying mush in the middle of the rooftop. The paper he had been holding onto so tightly, and inevitably crinkled, rolled to the side. He would never be able to understand how hard it was for Jack to choose between the only people he’s ever known and a dream and opportunity. But he could still be there for his friend.</p><p>“Oh, Jackie,” he sighed, moving to sit beside him. He rubbed his back long enough to give Jack the opportunity to push him away. He never did. Slowly, Davey brought him closer, hugging his body close to his. Jack freely sobbed into his shoulder, comforted by the repetitive motion of Davey’s hand through his hair. </p><p>“Running away from your problems won’t help you solve them,” Davey said softly, feeling the anger slowly dissipating. He felt guilty that he was so caught up in his own opinion and perspective, that he never realized what Jack had been going through. He was just as lost and confused and desperate as everyone else, and it was a lot worse for him as the leader of the strike. </p><p>Jack sniffed lamely, still holding onto Davey as if he were a lifeline. “Eh, you were always the brains, anyways.” </p><p>
  <i> “So,” Katherine sauntered up to Davey, a little sheepish. It had been a slow day, mainly just talking with the other newsies and trying to convince them not to buy papers. He couldn’t help but be a little skeptical at the woman reporter. Never had he read a serious article in any major newspaper that had the byline of a woman. Of course, he never believed that there couldn’t be, he himself hoped for it one day, but seeing it right in front of him made him a bit wary. He just knew there was a lot on the line. If it was well written and was seen by a lot of people, a lot of adults, then it could really give them some leverage. “Jack said that I should come to you for the information on the strike.”<br/>
That was even harder to believe than a woman’s byline on the front page! He hadn’t known Jack for a long time, but humility and humbleness was not something Davey would have pegged on him. Jack, from what he had observed, was cocky and boorish with a charming grin and twinkling eyes. With just one sentence, he could have anyone under his thumb. In Davey’s experience, guys like him never had the habit of being humble. “So, uh, in your own words, can I get an explanation of the events that led up to strike?”<br/>
“Pulitzer upped the price newsies have to pay for their papers. Although it was only a tenth of a cent per hundred, a change like that has drastic consequences on kids who only make pennies a day,” Davey explained. He paused so Katherine could finish writing her notes. When she stopped and looked at him again, he spoke again. “Y’know, Jack said something really good to inspire the others. Maybe you should go talk to him about this instead of me,” he began, turning to take his leave, but Katherine was quick to stop him.<br/>
“No, please. Jack insisted I talked to you. He spoke very highly of you, actually.”<br/>
Oh. </i>
</p><p>“So, what are you going to do now?” Davey asked, hoping that their talk was enough for Jack to change his mind. Immediately, Jack frowned showing that he was still conflicted, and Davey knew that he needed support. No matter what.<br/>
“Whatever you choose, you won’t be alone, Jackie. I’ll always be by your side.” </p><p>Jack looked at him, head tilted slightly up, with something unfamiliar in his dark eyes. Davey could only describe it as the way someone looks at the person they’re romantically in love with. All those moments with Jack, the lingering touches and ear to ear smiles, were things Davey constantly tried to deny. He could never love Jack because he could never love a boy.<br/>
But seeing the way Jack looked at him, he wondered if maybe he involuntarily had the same gaze. </p><p>“Can I kiss you?” Jack asked softly, barely above a whisper. And it must’ve been his heart acting before his brain, or maybe it was fate. </p><p>“Yes,” he mouthed, finding himself still nervous. And they kissed. Davey felt his heart swell, filling the empty space in his chest he didn’t know needed filling. He smiled against Jack’s rough lips because he had decided that maybe kissing boys wasn’t so bad. It had been something he wanted. It had been something he had memories of wanting. </p><p>And everything, he knew, would be worth it because he had something to believe in. Jack would always be his, and he would never leave Jack again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you enjoyed! I know rewriting the rooftop scene is pretty popular in this fandom, and the song in the title (Out of Love by Alessia Cara) just made me decide to rewrite it but even more angsty and drawn out<br/>I really liked digging into both Davey and Jack’s characters like this! :)<br/>If you want to read some more of my Javid/Newsies writing or wnat to contact me, you should check out my <a href="https://youcantundothepast.tumblr.com/">tumblr! </a> </p><p>Always with love,<br/>Kylie ❤️</p></blockquote></div></div>
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